Once Upon a Mattress

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. Let's just call her.....hmmm. How about Dawn. Like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty!) only more contemporary.

The princess had a terrible problem.

She had a horrible problem.

She had a terrible, horrible, dreadful problem. She was unable to get a good night's rest, so some days--we might go so far as to say most days--she was very, very grumpy. She hid it from everyone very well, because it is not in her princess-y nature to complain. But it was terrible, horrible and dare we say....dreadful. And did I mention she is a martyr? And has a great tolerance for dreadfulness?

Her back ached, her leg ached, her hip ached. Why, even the middle toe of her foot ached! It was very dreadful. Yes, I know I have already used that word twice in this woeful tale, but really there is no good metaphor or semaphore or simile or....or other word that is suitable to use.

So she made a proposition to the prince. Oops, I mean a proposal. (The prince likes propositions but since this is a family blog, we won't include them in this little tale.) Wait, is that bad??? or fun??? She proposed that they take a journey to the local furniture shop and purchase a new mattress for the royal bed. The prince hemmed and hawed and put off giving the princess a definitive answer. "Why the mattress is not very old!" he proclaimed. "It's been in my family for only 3 generations!" (Caution: slight liberties with facts may have been taken to enhance the telling of the tale)

Many a sleepless night followed, and the princess became more and more grumpy. Her lovely countenance became drawn and haggard. Her graceful walk became a stagger. She drug (dragged?) herself off the Academy of Knowledge and No Good every day with a cup of coffee clenched tightly in her slender hand and prayed that her prince would become reasonable.

At last she put down her dainty foot (and perhaps allowed a tiny, glistening diamond-like tear to escape from her eye) and the prince agreed to go shopping for a mattress. Off to Wal-Mart they traveled. Bonnie, the queen mother, a great, kind and good lady, had recently purchased a tempurpedic mattress for her own royal abode and had extolled its virtues to her offspring. Upon arriving at the great shopping mecca and having successfully dodged red tag items and avoided the spring flower section, the couple at last found themselves in the housewares department.

The princess was aghast, astounded and horrified at the cost of the mattress. She believed that a foam mattress at a discount store should not cost 1/3 of a good box spring set available at another local merchant. So the prince, being the princely type he was, called the queen mother and inquired after her mattress purchase.

Now the great and kind queen mother offered them the use of her very own mattress from her very own bed to try out for awhile so that they could make sure they liked it before buying. How kind and good she is! She also offered the use of the King's own carriage to transport the bulky object to the dwelling of the prince and princess.

So, they put it on top of their existing mattresses and tried it out for a few days.

The first thing Princess Dawn and Prince Les notices as they made their bed was that they no longer had to lean over at all to draw up the sheets. Why, it seemed that the bed was almost-- table-like!

And although the bed was very comfortable for a short time upon retiring, it soon took on the properties of a giant, royalty-eating marshmallow!

The Princess was hot--and I don't mean that in a good way. She felt trapped. She couldn't turn over in bed. She felt that if she had to get up in the night to use the facilities or peer out the window in watch of castle invaders, she might hurt herself. Why she might even have to rename this tale "The Princess and the Pee!" And she had already told that story once and didn't want to repeat history.

At last, after three nights of tossing and turning and hoisting herself in and out of the table-height bed, she traveled throught the echoing halls of the castle and went to sleep in her daughter's room. There she slept well and soundly, waking up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated!

And so Prince Les at last succumbed to Princess Dawn's proposal. You remember the one--the proposal about buying a new mattress at a furniture story. And he promised his Princess that they should have one delivered the very next day so that they would sleep happily every after!

The End